A New World

My whole life has been a practice of Intuition in some way or another. I had been living a very expression filled life. I was seeing things so vividly and colorful. As I would speak or reply to a question I was very character like in comparison to other people. I spoke loud, I used my hands and body in gesture to describe what I was seeing and experiencing. I didn’t realize that life for me was a bit different from those around me seeing things at a lesser degree. I would wonder why people would react towards me as if I was some kind of stranger from a different world. Most times it was hurtful to me to be mocked and imitated for being so dramatic, when all I was doing was expressing my vision of life that I thought was normal. I felt people. I wasn’t just seeing them or hearing the words they spoke, I was hearing what was behind the words. At times I would think, why are these people hiding, like they are afraid to speak the truth? For a person practicing communication at a deeper degree and not knowing that it was deeper, made it difficult for me much of the time because the message I was getting was that I was different and growing up as a kid, that’s not something you want to be. At age 12, I remember watching other girls talking with the boys at school seeming to me to be very comfortable, as if they were talking to another girl. I couldn’t keep my mind on school work or paying attention to the teacher much of the time if a boy was in the classroom! I could feel the boys thoughts and it was very distracting and yes paralyzing most of the time.
The boys were always watching the girls with a hunger it seemed. It wasn’t so innocent. There were those boys that seemed indifferent and that was incredible to me. It was as if they were so confident in every way, I couldn’t relate to it. Going to school was overwhelming for me. If I dare try to step out and be my own person I was quickly shamed back into, follow the leader. Some of my girlfriends seemed so capable of disconnecting from the pressure I felt, that it led me to having to make a bold decision that if I didn’t just step up, speak to the boys and just take a chance, I was going to be trapped and life was going to move on without me. I would just feel sick at the thought of opening myself to rejection. I was already feeling like I didn’t belong, that I was weird, different and who knows, maybe I was! So I began stepping through the paralyzing feelings and began speaking up instead of just observing. How does a person do that you ask? Well…. they stumble, they fall, and they just keep on getting back up. I certainly felt dumb a lot of the time and I’m sure it showed but I kept my feet moving and got through some crazy things like my skirt falling off at school as I walked off of the bus stepping over my skirt as it fell to the ground. No slip, just me in my underwear and high heels naked for all to see. Not unlike the time I borrowed a padded bra that I didn’t need. My shirt came open in class and everyone got a good look at the crumply padding in this bra, it was so bad. I was more concerned about looking like I had a huge chest wanting the attention of the boys and that’s exactly what I got as my buttons popped open revealing the padded bra I was wearing. It was inevitable that what I was focused on was going to deliver to me what only lack can deliver, more lack! I wasn’t grateful enough that I was already a good size, I just had to push it. Life was the mirror and I wasn’t looking in that mirror.

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